December, 14th 2011
The Boston Red Sox
4 Yawkey Way
Boston, MA 02215
Dear Mr. Henry, Mr. Lucchino, Mr. Werner and Mr. Cherington :
It is a profound sadness and overwhelming melancholy that compels me to address you on behalf of the #1 fansite of Jed Lowrie “fyeahjedlowrie.tumblr.com”. After learning that you have decided to trade Jed Lowrie to the Houston Astros in order to solidify our bullpen, we have decided to declare a boycott of the Boston Red Sox until Jed is traded back to Boston. This boycott is not out of spite, but utter terror. Jed Lowrie is not someone that should be angered for he is capable of awe-inspiring miracles and equally stunning terrors. We must remain loyal to The Jed regardless of what uniform he is wearing and we fear the repercussions of this afternoon’s trade. Allow me to explain our position:
Since we first laid eyes on Jed Lowrie in a Red Sox uniform on April 15th, 2008 we realized that he wasn’t the typical baseball player but that he was in fact a superhuman sent to take over the game of baseball and consequently turn whatever city he called home into a Utopia. When he was born in Salem, OR the earth quivered and the doctors shielded their eyes from the blinding light that emanated from the infant Jed. The entire inpatient unit fled in order to protect themselves from Jed’s presence. The nurse received third degree burns when trying to touch little Jed’s skin. This power that Jed possesses must constantly be fed with whatever Jed desires. His insatiable appetite makes him more of a monster than a man. He must possess whatever comes into his path. This includes but is not limited to:
Human flesh, donuts, alcohol, young maidens, violence, home runs, organic grass fed beef, batteries, blood, consumer electronics, Heidi Watney’s hair, world series rings, uniforms belonging to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, bellybutton lint, box sets of Will Smith movies, and Kay jewelers advertising signage.
When a city is able to provide Jed with hospitality, he is a charitable and gentle soul. This trade has the potential to make Jed feel unwanted in Boston and there is a real potential danger for the members of Red Sox Nation if he no longer calls our land “home”. It is for this reason that we urge you to reverse the trade and reacquire our SS. Only this will lift the “Curse of Jed Lowrie” that he has cast over the Red Sox—a curse that will prevent the organization from obtaining a championship without him. You see, Jed is a very vindictive force and he knows little forgiveness. Our woman and children will not be safe, our rivers will be poisoned, our luxury model cars will all be stolen, our lovers will all become disinterested and think only of Jed.
Please think of the consequences of your actions… we must welcome him back to our city and hope that he can be forgiving.